Category: Humor

A Knight’s Tale

    A Knight’s Tale

A long, long time ago.

Or, so I’ve been told.

In days of old.

When knights were bold.

There lived a serf named ‘Pantsedalot.’

I’ll tell you how that name he got.

It was because he was pantsed a lot.

Sometimes he would pants himself.

As he ran around trying to help.

Down his pants would fall.

Then he would begin to bawl.

One day at a jousting match.

The serf was serving the days catch.

Fresh fish cooked just right.

Served to nobles as they watched the fight.

Someone ‘pantsed’ him as he went by.

As he fell the fish did fly.

Right into the kings lap.

There it landed with a smack.

The king was madder than hell.

He looked over from where it fell.

There was the serf tangled in his pants.

The king flew into one of his rants.

“Grab that serf and bring him here!!”

The serf turned white & trembled with fear.

“For doing such a graceful thing

I will make you a knight” said the king.

He raised his sword and touched the surf’s shoulders.

He said “I name thee ‘Sir Pantsedalot’,  The Bolder.”

Everyone roared with laughter and mirth.

The poor serf felt lower than dirt.

Now that he was a knight he was expected to fight.

He didn’t even know how to fly a kite.

He felt for sure his days were numbered.

About the results of this everyone wondered.

The serf was given armor , a shield, and a sword.

The king said ‘Great will be your reward.”

“Should you defeat ‘the Black knight’ today.

To you, I will give my daughter away.”

The serf secretly had a crush on her for years.

Everyone watching was giving him cheers.

Everyone watched as the battle started.

The Black Knight was acting half hearted.

They circled each other for awhile.

The serf made a couple of swings with no style.

The Black Knight just laughed at him.

He said “It is time for this charade to end.”

He took a mighty swing at the ‘new’ knight.

The serf jumped back with all his might.

The Black knight charged forward fast.

Then he tripped on the serf’s fallen armored ass.

the serf’s armor pants had slipped to the ground.

This saving his life as he looked around.

He jumped up and put his sword on the neck

of The Black Knight, who froze, his crotch wet.

“Surrender or die” yelled the serf.

The Black knight surrendered all to the serf.

The king was shocked and his daughter was happy.

The marriage took place and the people were happy.

So goes the story of ‘Sir Pantsedalot.’

The bravest knight who ever fought.

—————————————————-R. W. Johnson—–(2014)

 

 

 

Charlie’s Chick

      Charlie’s Chick

He hit me with his best punch.

Causing me to toss up my lunch.

Just because I whistled at his girl.

The way she smiled gave me a thrill.

I guess it all was worth the pain.

Even though that may sound lame.

I think I have a chance with his girl.

Why? Because she gives me a thrill.

But, it’s going to take some time.

A whole lot of precious time.

it’s going to take patience child.

I can’t go about this like I was wild.

To do it, to do it, to do it right.

I don’t want to have another fight.

A hello here. A note passed there.

Winking at her almost anywhere.

Always being around to help out.

Especially if her boyfriend’s not about.

In the end she’ll be more than a friend.

I can’t say the same about him.

If you want it with all your hart

you have to never give up your part.

The part of someone who admires her.

Someone who more than desires her.

Cherish is a word I use to describe.

All the feelings I have for her inside.

Nothing is worse than the curse.

The curse of loving Charlie’s girl.

The girl who gives me a thrill.

Charlie’s chick. That’s got to be good!!——R. W. Johnson—–(2014)

 

 

 

The IRS Blues

 

      The IRS Blues

I got the blues.

Those government taxes blues.

Those back stabbing, wage nabbing blues.

You can never win, but you can lose, blues.

Dig deep into your pockets & cough it up.

Drop your donations into the IRS cup.

Uncle Sam needs a new pair of shoes.

I got the big time tax paying blues.

 

There is little left for the little guy.

The irony of it is kind of wry.

The American Dream is gonna die.

If you don’t pay you’re gonna fry.

Where’s the answer to this mess.

There is no answer would be my guess,.

You can only pay more, never less.

The whole system sucks, I confess.

 

If I never paid a dime

then I would have the time

to live the good life.

I would have the money for

all the things I have wished for

without the IRS strife.

 

I have been on the soapbox.

I have checked my vote box.

I have yelled and screamed.

I have really caused a scene.

Yet, I MUST pay before I play.

That is your tax laws today.

There has got to be a better way.

There is nothing else I have to say.———R. W. Johnson—–(2014)

 

 

 

Punk Skunk Left A Stink

      Punk Skunk Left A Stink

Bucky the beaver was a good old guy.

He worked hard. Gave it his best try.

He thought it was what he should do.

Till he met Punk Skunk passing through.

Punk asked him what he was doing?

Bucky said “Building a dam”, while he was chewing.

Punk said “That’s Core of Engineers job”

“Who is that?” said Bucky, looking odd.

“Government workers” Punk said.

“We build dams till we are dead”

“Punk said “That makes no sense.”

“Government will build it. You collect rent.”

“That sounds great.” said Bucky.

“I guess meeting you was lucky.”

“How do I set it up?” Bucky said.

“It is easy.” Punk quickly said.

Punk laid it all out for Bucky.

Soon Bucky was feeling lucky.

He was collecting welfare & food stamps.

Core of Engineers were building ramps.

They were going to build a huge dam.

Bucky was living high off Uncle Sam.

Then came audits, taxes, and fines.

Before long Bucky was doing time.

Bucky thought he should have known.

Punk Skunk’s smell should have shown

him something stunk in the woodpile.

Now he will be jailed for quite awhile.——-R. W. Johnson—–(2014)

 

 

 

 

Poem Material

 

      Poem Material

I haven’t written a poem in awhile now.

Got to come up with a new poem somehow.

Lots of thoughts running through my head.

Nothing that’s good that I’ve heard or read.

I need to grab something out of the blue.

I can’t think of what else I can do.

I can’t even think of something that is creepy.

All that’s happening is that I’m getting sleepy.

 

All  was dark, then ‘It’ was the darkness.

On a starless night ‘It’ came. ‘It’ was heartless.

I knew beyond a doubt that ‘It’ was ‘The Other.’

I knew for sure that ‘It’ was not my brother.

I am also glad ‘It’ was not my mother.

All my life I’ve never seen a ‘demon’, riding on the wind.

‘It’ seemed to laugh then said I could never win.

‘It’ promised me my life if I would worship ‘him’.

 

A awoke with a start. I had fallen asleep.

‘What was that?’ A nightmare, I didn’t want to repeat.

‘Just great.’ ‘I try to write a poem & I pass out.’

‘Then have a nightmare.’ ‘What’s this about?’

‘My imagination is going wild.’

‘Why couldn’t I dream of heaven?’, I smiled.

‘Being able to write poems could be a curse.’

‘But, then again, it’s all in the verse’.

————————————————–R. W. Johnson—–(2014)

 

 

 

 

 

Jibber Jabber

      Jibber Jabber

Cinco De Mayo is over.

Today I found a 4 leaf clover.

Is there a connection?

That takes some reflection.

Crimson and clover.

Over and over.

Jack jumped over a candle stick.

Burned his (#%@*#) on it.

That sounds harsh to some.

Others will just suck their thumb.

A day without sunshine

is a hillbilly without moonshine.

Fiddle faddle, I lost my paddle.

Here comes mom with a real paddle.

Plastic hippies

have no bippies

Why does one & one always make two?

Ask the old woman who lived in a shoe.

What the heck am I talking about?

Sounds almost like a crazy lout.

But, have no fear.

Spring is here.

Love is in the air.

I think I combed it out of my hair.

Jokers to the left of me.

Clowns to the right of me.

I’m stuck in the middle with you.

Guess we shouldn’t have eaten that stew.

If I say more I would sound a fool.

I would stop if I were you.

Said the monkey in the zoo.——————–R. W. Johnson—–(2014)

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Love Sick?

      Love Sick?

I think I’m dying in your arms again.

A romance like this can never win.

I want to hold you & never let you go.

Each time I try I feel really low.

My stomach churns & my head gets light.

Soon I have to say goodbye for the night.

At first I thought it was just my nerves.

But, every time, it seems to occur.

Is it just love making me feel this way?

Am I allergic to you in some way?

Or, have you slipped something into my drink?

Maybe in the food? It makes me think.

Why would you want to do me in?

I know you think I am more than a friend.

I can’t tell anyone about this.

They will think I’m nuts. I’m pissed.

Nothing seems to happen with a kiss.

Maybe it is an x-boyfriend’s wish?

Should I go to the Doctor. to see

what in the world is the matter with me?

He might say it will work itself out in the end.

I’m not talking stools here. I need a friend.

You can’t love a girl & get sick when you hold her.

To make it worse, I haven’t even told her.

This has never happened with anyone else.

The worst that’s happened is maybe a belch.

In an hour or so I’ll feel fine.

If I can get away from her in time.

There is no going to 2ond base with her.

If I slide into 3rd  I’ll be dead for sure.

Then I realize, it could be my conscience

speaking to me?—– That’s nonsense.

A conscience is the voice of God.

That may not be so odd.

Maybe He is telling me to take my time.

Give yourself some time to unwind.

This girl is not going anywhere.

Soon, she’ll be yours & she’ll always care.

This thought made me feel a whole lot better.

Soon things were progressing right on the letter.

No more illness noted on my part.

Though, lately, when close, she has to fart.

I can take it all in stride.

After all, God said she would be my bride.–R. W. Johnson—–(2014)

 

 

 

 

 

It Comes On A Stick

 

     It Comes On A Stick

It is really quite a trick

to eat your candy from a stick.

You can eat a hotdog on a stick.

Even cotton candy does the trick.

Even sic kabob is on a stick.

But, some things just don’t fit.

Ice cream bars do the trick.

Marsh mellows even fit.

It may be odd to eat from a stick.

If the food falls off you have a fit.

But, it is an acceptable lick.

To consume some things from a stick.

Never try it if it is lit.

You just might end up burning a lip.

Sometimes, if it’s on a stick.

You can use it as a handle to dip.

So, no matter what you get.

I think that you will enjoy it.————-R. W. Johnson———–(2014)

 

Earthquake Calamity

               Earthquake Calamity

On August 24, 2014 at 0320 I thought I was dead.

I woke up with a freight train running through my head.

The whole place was shaking, things falling everywhere.

“EARTHQUAKE” my wife yelled. I knew she was there.

It was darker than the pit of hell. The power was off.

Dust was in the air.—– I began to cough.

Finally, my wife found the flashlight she keeps by the bed.

There was a big cloud of dust over our head.

The shaking had stopped by now.

We started looking around. “Holy cow!!”

Things had fallen everywhere up to the level of the bed.

I started getting a real bad headache in my head.

The other flashlight was by the front door.

I had to climb over mounds of broken gore.

I barely could squeeze out the bedroom door.

My shoes were in the hall with half the house on the floor.

I didn’t have pants but, I had shoes.

I climbed on, trying not to be verbally rude.

I finally reached the front door.

The flashlight wasn’t there anymore.

The door would only open a couple inches.

I was searching for the flashlight without britches.

Then I heard someone just outside.

It was my daughter checking if we survived.

I said we were o.k. but, I couldn’t open the door.

She said o.k. She knew the score.

She was going back home. She will be back later.

“Thanks, bye.” Then I found the light, I fear.

What a mess!! Where to start?

It was enough to break our hearts.

I started at the door to clean it all up.

30 days later we are still cleaning up.

All I have to say is: “EARTHQUAKES SUCK!!!”

——————————————————R. W. Johnson—–(2014)

 

 

Just ‘Babbling’ On

              Just ‘Babbling’ On

What the hey?

Have you heard the news?

Kids no longer wear button down shoes.

It’s o.k. to have long hair.

Be a guy or a girl. Be there or be square.

I didn’t know this but, it’s true.

Most people haven’t heard of “Little boy blue.”

Did you hear there is a new math?

Must be easier. A kid I know is daft.

To him 1 + 1 is three.

They pass him along anyway, don’t you see.

Someone said politics is dirty.

The mud slinging has gotten real nerdy.

Illegal aliens are everywhere.

Not talking space aliens, if you care.

Poetry is a way to express yourself.

it has to be this because I don’t have wealth.

What the heck am I trying to say?

I have no idea but, try anyway.

Kids today can’t live without their phone.

I tell them we didn’t have that. They just moan.

Facebook lets people look at you

and wonder who the hell you’re talking to?

I read a story once upon a time.

Yes, I can read. it’s not a crime.

It started out exactly like that.

A fairy tale, as a matter of fact.

Enough about that. How about sports?

Football, baseball, & games played on courts?

What? No interest there?

Well I’ll be——-No, I cannot swear.

After reading this piece of trash.

You are sure I am unabashed.

Not afraid to display my insanity.

It’s just the way it has to be——————–R. W. Johnson—–(2014)