Humor – Page 5 – Word Smith Wisdom

A ‘Wild’ Reaction

Your flying high in a cloudless sky.
You can see the scenery fly by.
You’re not in a plane or any such thing.
Yet, you’re flying, like you had wings.
You’re like a bird. How can this be?
You’re flying high, feeling free.
There is no fear in what you’re doing.
You’re having lots of fun. No fooling.
Is it imagination, or a vivid dream?
Maybe it is much more than it seems.
Have you thought about how to land?
You need to survive,—- if you can.
The sweat starts popping out of your head.
Then, you make a perfect landing, in your bed.
So,—- I guess it was all a dream?
Yet, it was much more than it seemed.
You can’t remember going to bed.
The whole thing is driving you out of your head.
Did you take a hallucinogenic drug?
Did you lick a Colorado river toad? Uggh.
Maybe ‘magic mushrooms’ did the trick?
Or maybe some LSD on a stick?
No, you never touch stuff like that.
The thought would make you puke in your hat.
Maybe it was that Superman movie you saw?
Or possibly that pizza you ate at the in laws?
None of this makes any sense.
Maybe it was a way to circumvent?
Avoid a nasty situation by just ‘flying off’?
Hard to be bothered when you are aloft.
You feel like Snoopy in his WW I adventures.
You should sell this. Put it in dispensers.
But, you don’t even know what it is?
Maybe, you were just reacting to her kiss?
She sends you into orbit, you know.
One kiss from her and here comes the show.

————————————R. W. Johnson—–(2016)

Sick With The Intestinal Flu

Well, Holy Smokes, land sakes alive.
I never thought this would happen to me.
I have the intestinal flu (gastroenteritis), you see.
It started in the stomach, gurgling and gas.
Before long, I was super bloated, real fast.
It hurt like hell and made me moan.
Nothing was moving. I let out a groan.
Later, it moved to my gut.
Gurgling & cramping. Just my luck.
I only had charcoal capsules to take.
It sucked up some toxins & gave me a break.
Next day diarrhea set in.
Felt like a fire was burning within.
I had a low grade fever from the start.
Kept feeling cold when it was a lark.
Energy level went in the toilet.
I guess the fire within boiled it.
After one day the diarrhea stopped.
Gurgling calmed, as likely as not.
Energy level was coming back up.
Next day, I could barely get off my butt.
This crap is hard to knock out.
I hope you never have a bout.

————————————-R. W. Johnson—–(2016)

The Truth About Cheese

“What do you mean?,”
Said the cheese to the spread.
“It is what I’ve seen.”
“Don’t let it go to your head.”

“I won’t” the cheese said.
“Yet, I still do not see.”
“What I mean” said spread.
“Is cheese can bind you up, see?”

“I would never do such a thing.”
“Can they ‘poop’ when done?”
“Think of all the joy cheese can bring.”
“I was thinking of another type of fun.”

“Look spread, get your facts straight.”
“That is how it was told to me.”
“Someone was jiving you to take the bait.”
‘Why would pizza mess with me?”

“Pizza? He causes nightmares you know.”
“He said you made up most of him.”
“He is no better than a ‘Sloppy’ Joe.”
“Me being blamed for him is slim.”

“He is the one that can be binding.”
“I just go along for the ride.”
“He can set one’s stomach grinding.”
“I ought to rip him a new hide.”

“Sorry, I guess I got it all wrong.”
“It’s o.k. spread, now you know the truth.”
“I will now sing a new song.”
“No, no spread. Pizza may raise the roof.”

“I must go with him to keep him good.”
“He would be in real trouble without me.”
“Cheese keeps him tasting like he should.”
“Without me, he is nothing, you see.”

—————————–R. W. Johnson—–(2016)

Gobbly Gunk

Sit down and turn around.
Plant your tomatoes in the ground.
Get up and shake it off.
You know pigs eat from a troth.
Stir it up and shake it down.
This is no place for a clown.
Were you born standing up?
Did they smack you on the butt?
It can be fun with another.
Someone other than your brother.
I had a dream the other night.
The sight of you gave me a fright.
If spirits are real, what about ghosts?
Who eats the fastest gets the most.
The A, B, C’s of you and me.
What you get is what you see.
Have you tried kissing in the dark?
Sometimes it is not too smart.
Try to bend down & touch your toes.
Knees straight. Don’t wrinkle your hose.
I must say, today is dragging.
But, I’ll survive. I am not bragging.
The last boy was different than me.
He was not insane, you see.
Diamond Mountain is the place to go.
No diamonds, but lots of weeds grow.
This poem is an insane piece of crap.
You’re not alone in thinking that.
So, guess I’d better end it now.
Before some reader has a cow.

———————-R. W. Johnson—–(20160

Hillbilly With A Drinking Problem

Hey Boregard, what ya doin tonight?
I’m a goin outside and takin flight.
What chu sayin? You all can’t fly.
By 9:00 tonight—– I will be high.

Ya old boozer, yer at it again.
Ya drink more than Bobby Linn.
The town drunk fer the past 8 years.
He only knows ‘more’ & ‘cheers.’

Why ya getting all liquored up fer now?
Ya knows yer wife is gonna have a cow.
I’m gonna fly like the ‘witchy woman.’
She’s the one The Eagles saw coming.

Ya keep it up an you’ll have the D T’s again.
See pink elephants and kiss your friends.
You’ll be a twitchin on the floor.
Puking and a barfing all over some more.

Don’t chu a worry bout my drinkin now.
I don’t care ifin my wife has a cow.
I be a celebratin the big occasion.
I be the leader of a bran new nation.

What nation is that? The drunken nation?
No. The Nation of Dalmatians.
Ya know I got a slew o them dogs.
I have more dogs than I have hogs.

You be Looney tunes is what you are.
You’re whacker than a crazy ‘baar.’
That booze is a killin yer brain cells.
Yer brain gets pickled, then it swells.

Let me take ya somewhere tonight.
It’s a new meetin I think you’ll like.
Do they show the old smut films?
I like em & the food. Fire up those kilns.

This be an A. A. meetin. Might save yer life.
Before ya get yerself killed by yer wife.
It be a good thing fer you to do.
I don’t wanna be havin to bury you.

You can guess what Boregard said.
Yeah, he’s still drunk & out of his head.
He said A. A. was “Drunk A Logs” fer all.
Not as fun as actually havin a ball.

When he dies the town bar will go broke.
On his tombstone will be his quote.
“A beer to me is like a glass of water.”
“If it was a lake I’d swim like an otter.”

—————————-R. W. Johnson—–(2016)

Astral Travel, Or A Hoax?

Educate the people is the name.
But, they didn’t mean this game.
The only way to stay alive now
is to not let anyone know how.
How to put yourself in a trance.
Leave your body & do the dance.
Out of body experience is known.
But, this is different, if shown.
You can not only travel anywhere.
But, you can do what I will share.
You can traverse time with ease.
Forward or backward, as you please.
No, it’s not just imagination.
You are there for the duration.
Out of body—– you are there.
You can go anytime, anywhere.
You must be in the proper trance.
Then you can do this little dance.
It’s been called a voodoo hoax.
Mystic Magic, they seem to boast.
But this is actual astral travel.
The way it works can baffle.
Did you know Custer wore a wig?
That Mona Lisa’s smile was a gig?
Robin Hood was an actual person?
A future Pope will be heard cursing?
You can learn this & much, much more.
I am offering you the open door.
Be brave enough to step right up.
There are some risks, but with luck
you can go where ever you want.
Find the Fountain Of Youth, or a font.
Don’t go back and kill your granddad.
The results of that will be pretty sad.
The worst part is I wouldn’t get paid.
So, take the chance, don’t be afraid.

———————-R. W. Johnson—–(2016)

A Clown Apocalypse

There is a war coming our way.
No, it is not a zombie apocalypse.
It is clowns,—– clowns I say.
They are kicking ass & taking no lip.
Have you read Stephen King’s “It?”
These clowns are way worse than that.
These clowns will not take any s—t.
They may be clowns from hell and back.
No one knows where they come from.
When your worst nightmare attacks,
don’t worry about, ‘How did they come?’
Not funny. They are vicious and deadly.
They will rip you up, roll you in a bun.
Add catsup & mustard & they are ready.
You will be a meal for one.
What can we do to stop such a horror?
That question has puzzled many.
Best way is yell “What a bore!!”
This will upset them plenty.
Deep down inside they are still clowns.
True, clowns that have gone ‘bad.’
They want the attention that abounds.
To think they aren’t the star is sad.
Soon, they go bonkers & do themselves in.
A bad review does it every time.
It takes nerve, but this is the way we win.
A world without ‘bad’ clowns is just fine.

—————————-R. W. Johnson—–(2016)

Words Of Wisdom From Uncle John

I looked around and you were gone.
I had no idea what came over you?
Its happened before, I thought with a yawn.
I always figured you couldn’t be true.

And then along came Uncle John.
He said: “Why is she gone?”
I told him I didn’t have a clue.
He said: “That’s because you are a fool.”

Sometime later, I met another.
She was sweeter than apple pie.
She wanted me to meet her mother.
I turned her down because I was shy.

And then along came Uncle John.
He said: “Why has she gone?”
I told him I didn’t have a clue.
He said: “That’s because you are a fool.”

I tried after that, but couldn’t score.
Things just never went my way.
They seemed to know what I was looking for.
Yet, not one of them would ever stay.

And then along came Uncle John.
He said: “Hasn’t one come along?”
I said I didn’t have a magic wand.
He said: “ It’s because you are a ding dong!!”

——————————–R. W. Johnson—–(2016)

Rhymes For The Current Time

Little boy blue, come blow your horn.
The sheep are in the garden, the cows are in the corn.
Who wrote this sappy little rhyme?
At the least, they should be doing jail time.
Sheep & cows could care less for horn music.
Send out the dog, he’ll herd them, you see.
Such blitherings are lost in translation.
They almost sound like incantations.
But then, I guess I can’t complain.
Some of the current stuff is pretty lame.
Like “The Elf Song.” Vulgar as hell.
Don’t be singing it or I will tell.
Other vernaculars of this age
display a sample of daily rage.
I won’t bother to repeat one here.
Almost any of them will make it clear.
Lets clean up our act folks.
Make them clean without the jokes.
Have it come from deep inside.
The results will open eyes wide.
I will leave the content up to you.
Use your imagination; you’ll come through.

——————————————–R. W. Johnson—–(2015)

The LOVE Of Christmas

O and V were in distress.
They were taken. What a mess.
L and E were all alone.
They didn’t want to be alone.
L slid over to be closer to E.
To share the loneliness, you see.
S and A were then shown.
L and E would not be alone.
They took O and V’s place.
They made SALE to state their case.
V and E were not happy.
Their Christmas spirit was now crappy.
They cried for their LOVE back.
FAITH and HOPE had the knack.
They came on strong.
S and A were soon gone.
O and V came back home.
L and E were no longer alone.
LOVE was back. Praise the Lord!!
Christmas without LOVE would be bored.
You see, LOVE is what it’s all about.
Not SALE, but do not pout.
There will be SALE’s, but it’s o.k.
It’s for gifts of LOVE all the way.
So, enjoy your Christmas with lots of LOVE.
God will smile down from heaven above.

——————————R. W. Johnson —–(2015)