Bearmares
She is over here.
She is over there.
She is everywhere.
I turn left.
I turn right.
There she is.
Within my sight.
I can’t flee.
Can’t you see?
She’ll find me.
I can’t be free.
She is here.
She is there.
She is in my hair.
She’s at my table.
She’s in my bed.
I can’t be free.
She’s in my head.
You don’t care.
Because I’m a bear.
She is Goldielocks.
Well, just don’t stare.
—–R. W. Johnson—–(2015)
‘Black Friday’ Fanatics
A cold, cold wind was coming out of the North.
It was freezing anyone who would go forth.
Yet, into that ,soon to be, blizzard we would go.
If we would live or not, we did not know.
The rivers were solidly frozen over.
The mountain passes had snow to your shoulder.
We had snowshoes. We prayed it was enough.
To fall into a crevasse would be real tough.
We all hooked together with a rope.
If one of us would fall there was little hope.
We traveled during the meager light.
We buried ourselves in snow caves at night.
We were popsicles by the time we got there.
So cold that we couldn’t feel the air.
But, we managed to arrive in time.
We were the very first in line.
The ‘Black Friday’ sale started in the morning.
Soon, many more showed up without warning.
But, we were first so we could get the best.
I say to hell with all the rest.
————————————R. W. Johnson—–(2015)
Can Opener Problems
Have you ever tried to open a can?
My wife couldn’t either. I’m the man.
The electric can opener wouldn’t work.
It made noise, but it wouldn’t cut dirt.
It wouldn’t even make a hole in the can.
I worked up a sweat and needed a fan.
Finally, I looked for a manual opener.
It was hard to find,—- to be sure.
It made a hole in the can okay.
But, it was super hard to use anyway.
It took all my strength to turn the handle.
Now I know why I replaced the manual.
After making Nixon sound like a saint,
I felt really tired and about to faint.
I succeeded in getting the can open.
It was a can of beans. No great token.
Hardly worth the effort at all.
I should have found a way to stall.
Come up with something else to eat.
Like take out. Now that would be a treat.
——————————-R, W, Johnson—–(2015)
Computer Problems
I got a new computer the other day.
I ripped my hair. I had to pray.
This thing don’t work like the old one.
I thought a new one would be fun.
Windows 10 is supposed to be better.
I try, but I can’t even write a letter.
For a pre computer person it is hard.
This post computer age is a card.
It drives me insane when it won’t work.
I slam my fist,—– then I am hurt.
I need a computer I can talk to.
It will do just what I tell it to do.
But, no such luck. I have to be the nut.
The nut who is stuck in a rut.
Come on speakers, start to work.
You spoke once. Was it a quirk?
There has got to be a better way.
Just sending one E-Mail takes all day.
Half the E-Mail disappeared before I was done.
Took several hours to retrieve that one.
I have more storage, but I can’t find my ass.
If it wasn’t attached, it would go in the trash.
I guess I will keep on struggling along.
I will either get it right or it will be wrong.
By the time I figure it out,
It will be time to upgrade again, no doubt.
———————————R. W. Johnson—–(2015)
Don’t Travel With A Stoner
It was time to take a trip.
But, first I had to get a fix.
Not loaded would be wrong.
I have to sing my song.
Loaded and ready to roll.
Hauling ass, though going slow.
Perception is a state of mind.
My mind is doing overtime.
Things fly by & I space out.
What is all the fuss about?
Kick back and enjoy the ride.
Don’t you trust me with your hide?
What is that I hear you yelling about?
Were still in the driveway? No doubt.
Sometimes my mind is racing like hell.
Yet, we are not moving very well.
Not to worry. It will pass.
All I need is to step on the gas.
There we go. Now were flying.
Were going like hell. I wasn’t lying.
What? Were still in the driveway?
I don’t understand it anyway.
I pushed the gas all the way down.
Wait, I need to turn around.
Oh no, I forgot to start the car.
Let’s just go to the nearest bar.
I need a drink to steady my nerves.
I feel like my eyesight has curves.
What? You’ve decided not to go?
But, you will miss the show!!
You don’t give a tinker’s damn!
You just want to get your feet on land.
What is your problem? Can’t hold a drink?
I can’t understand how you think.
I am loaded? Well, what the heck?
It’s the best way to travel, I’ll bet.
I won’t live to see tomorrow?
I am a vessel filled with sorrow?
What the heck are you talking about?
Have another drink. You’ll chill out.
I don’t know what’s bothering him?
We didn’t get out of the driveway then.
A couple drinks to calm the nerves.
Then I could negotiate those curves.
He must have never been high before.
Maybe a ‘bad’ trip before he left the door.
The boy can’t see the fun for the fright.
I hope he don’t end up in a fight.
———————————–R. W. Johnson—–(2015)
Fractured Nursery Rhymes
Mary had a little lamb.
It’s fleece was a dirty mess.
So Mary washed it in the creek.
As it dried it choked to death.
Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater.
Had a wife & couldn’t keep her.
He put her in a pumpkin shell.
He ate the whole thing. He did well.
Bah, bah, black sheep.
Have you any wool?
Take a guess, creep.
Get an eye full.
Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
His wife wouldn’t eat any lean.
So he divorced her & got a cat.
The 2 of them licked the plate clean.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had quite a fall.
He splattered yoke on the stones.
Now he lays there in rapture & moans.
Jack and Jill went up the hill.
They said they were going for water.
What they did gave them a thrill.
Now, soon he will be a father.
Hi diddle diddle. The cat & the fiddle.
The cow jumped over the moon.
On his way down, he said with a frown.
“I think I’ll make buttermilk soon.”
Tom Thumb, said with a gleam in his eye.
“I really like pie.”, as he stuck in his thumb
and he pulled out a plumb. He said
“”Damn, I hate plumb pie.”
Who goosed the moose?
Who turned the lunatic loose?
Who wrote these nursery rhymes?
“It was I” he said between the lines.
——————————R. W. Johnson—–(2015)
Rude Awakening
Someone keeps calling my name.
Is it the whispering of the wind?
Somehow, it doesn’t feel the same.
Is it a voice from deep within?
Someone keeps calling my name.
I see no one as I look around.
Sometimes, it drives me insane.
I hear it often. That same old sound.
Someone keeps calling my name.
Is it someone from my past?
I know that sounds a little lame.
Sometimes I feel harassed.
Someone keeps calling my name.
Is it a voice from up above?
If yes, there is much to gain.
I must handle it with gloves.
Someone keeps calling my name
I awake and look around.
“Get up for school, lame brain.”
My mom is who is making that sound.
—————————–R. W. Johnson—–(2015)
Love Potion By Words
Men: Don’t let this happen to you.
Women using it think it is cool.
Certain spoken words does the trick.
You will fall for the one using it.
No, it’s not Voodoo, or the like.
So don’t let that make you uptight.
Our brains are hard wired to respond.
The words trigger hormones, then we’re gone.
We are smitten without even a clue.
Never let this happen to you.
It is spreading. More women now know.
This takes all the fun out of the show.
You go down without a fighting chance.
It can be done with hardly a glance.
Are we men or are we mice?
Decide now. No time to think twice.
Do not fall under this deceptive spell.
You could end up in a living hell.
Much more potent than Love Potion # 9.
Except, this only works on men this time.
Does any man know similar words for women?
We need help before we make a decision.
What is good for the goose should be for the gander.
We have to defend ourselves like a man here.
Don’t tempt fate saying you are immune.
Before you know it, you will be consumed.
God, help us. Be our friend.
Women are NOT supposed to lord it over men.
————————————————-R. W. Johnson—–(2015)
Atom Ant
The soles were dropping from the skies.
But, Atom Ant knew he would survive.
He was small as an ant but, strong as an ox.
He was strong enough to lift a 500 pound box.
It was a secret experiment that changed him.
He could make himself big again.
He controlled his size as needed to be.
He worked for the government, you see.
He could get into almost anywhere.
During peace or war. He didn’t care.
His current assignment carried big risks.
He just prayed nothing would go amiss.
He entered the secret facility by a door.
He squeezed under it, nothing more.
There was a special message within.
He would find it, he thought with a grin.
He knew where is was supposed to be.
Hidden in a safe, opened by a frequency.
He had the ability to make the right pitch.
He got the safe open and was into it.
He photographed the secret document.
Then, without hesitation, out of there he went.
He was successful with his mission.
He had Coke’s original formula with him.
They will never know it had been copied.
One time Atom Ant had to hide in a crappie
It was fine till the fish took a dump
He had to swim like hell to save his rump.
Next mission. The 11 herbs and spices.
Kentucky Fried might have a crisis.
Atom Ant cannot be stopped.
He is small but, he knows a lot.
Using bug spray didn’t work.
He wore a gas mask. he was no jerk.
A good old fly swatter might do the trick.
But, you’ll have to be fast or he will split.
The government knows all now.
Thanks to Atom Ant. As he takes a bow.
——————————————R. W. Johnson—–(2015)
A Dental Visit
I went to the dentist today.
No, I wasn’t aware of any decay.
It was for master x-rays.
21 x-rays to find decay.
Then, they took photos too.
I should have got one for you.
I held metal things within.
Stretched my lips with them.
Pulled them back from my teeth.
So she could see beneath.
She took the photos then.
She could really see within.
It reminded me of how a female must feel
during a vaginal exam. It was real.
After all that, I saw the dentist.
She checked it all with interest.
Just one minor cavity found.
There was no problem with the crowns.
It could have been worse.
Much more though, & I would have cursed.
I was stretched, pried, prodded, poked.
She even asked me if I smoked.
She said these choppers could use some work.
I already knew that. I’m not a jerk.
My night guard was doing its job.
No more grinding teeth. Now that’s not odd.
Others do it while sleeping too.
Most of my grinding is because of you.
Well, I’ll be back. As the story goes.
Having good teeth means your smile will glow.
——————————————R. W. Johnson—–(2015)