Category: Humor

A Beautiful Day

      A Beautiful Day

Well, it’s a day. Oh, what a day.

The sun is shining & I want to play.

I head out and I walk around.

I start walking towards down town.

Before long, I see some kids.

They are playing Make A Wish.

I asked one what he wished for.

He said vacation. He wanted more.

I laughed and went on my way.

It is such a beautiful day.

Down town, people were in a hurry.

Going here & there with such a worry.

I was kicked back, taking my time.

I was in no hurry. I didn’t mind.

I saw a guy and a parking maid.

They were arguing about a ticket she made.

He said he was only a minute late.

She said it’s o.k. This is not a date.

I walked on with a smile on my face.

Things were happening all over the place.

I walked by The Farmer’s Market.

People zoomed in like it was a target.

Fresh fruits and vegetables galore.

Who could ask for anything more.

Eventually, I came to the park.

Fortunately, it wasn’t yet dark.

People were having a picnic lunch.

Kids were playing. There was a bunch.

Everyone seemed to be having fun.

They were all enjoying the sun.

Then, on my walk back home.

I saw a dog burying a bone.

He was in the middle of the lawn.

A man ran out and he was gone.

The guy looked mad as hell.

But, he seemed to take it well.

Further along some lovers were kissing.

I passed by. I knew what I was missing.

When I got home I called my girl.

Talking with her gives me a thrill.

We made plans for later in the evening.

What a day. It was very pleasing.

—————————————-R. W. Johnson—–(2015)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shy Lab Man Has Success

 

      Shy Lab Man Has Success

I needed help to find my way.

It has become a tragic day.

Nothing has gone right in the lab.

There was an accident & it was bad.

A certain fluid got on my skin.

It was absorbed within.

Now, I am feeling really oddly.

Something is happening to my body.

Am I turning into a human Hulk?

Will I end up with hair, like a goat?

A am madly looking for a mirror.

I am starting to feel really queer.

I find a mirror and take a look.

What a change! I could write a book.

I am now tall, dark, and very handsome.

I almost feel like dancing.

I look like a woman’s answer to her dream.

I have never looked this good or lean.

This potion was meant for something else.

Funny how it made my old looks melt.

I am wondering how long it will last?

If I stay this way, I will have a blast.

Come on girls, ‘Big Daddy’ has arrived.

I will make your libido come alive.

Hollywood hansom’s have nothing on me.

I am as handsome as can be.

I have the knowledge Playboy has given.

50 Shades Of Gray is my living.

I have all the male attributes.

Enhanced to the max for no excuse.

I have a six pack, with muscle to spare.

I also have just the right amount of hair.

Suddenly, something splashed in my face.

I looked around. What was this place?

“Wake up” “You slipped and fell”

“Clean yourself up. You look like hell.”

What?? It was all a dream??

Nothing is ever what it seems.

Back to work in this dreary lab.

I guess making skin creams isn’t bad.

But, I wish I could be that man.

The one who said “Because I can.”

Then proceeded to have whoever he wanted.

“Women’s gift of man”, he  taunted.

“Did you say something?” his lab partner said.

“Just talking to myself.” Then asked “Are you wed.”

“Am I married?” “No.”  “Why?”

“I want to take you out, like that other guy.”

“What other guy?” she asked.

“The one I imagined when knocked out” he gasped.

“Sure. I accept.”

I guess you know what happened next.

———————————————-R. W. Johnson—–(2015)

 

 

 

 

Pinky And The Brain

      Pinky And The Brain

I remember him, always sneaking around.

He had plans to blow up the town.

It could be a practice run for so much more.

This kid was rotten to the core.

He had plans to take over the world, I guess.

They say the stuff on his computer was a mess.

It would make a good script for an action movie.

If he actually tried, it wouldn’t fool me.

So, they ended up locking him away.

Where he could sit and plan all day.

Best pray they never let him go.

If they do, the world will soon know.

He is a genius with a twisted mind.

He would destroy all mankind.

He refers to himself as ‘The Brain.’

He never considered he could be insane.

‘Pinky’ is a real close friend of his.

Pinky & the Brain. With a team like this,

you know what they will do each day.

Plot to take over the world, they say.

The Brain is incurable. totally lost.

Pinky follows The Brain at any cost.

I know the day is coming soon.

The Brain will escape all the buffoons.

Or, so he calls them, as a matter of fact.

He says in the brain department, they lack.

When The Brain is turned loose on the world,

with Pinky to do the heavy work in a whirl.

The earth will only have a short time

before The Brain takes over & “Makes it mine.”

But, if they are stopped, never fear.

Tune in next week if you want to cheer.

For Pinky & The Brain will be back again.

Maybe they will succeed then.

—————————————–R. W. Johnson—–(2015)

 

World’s Mysteries Revealed

      World’s Mysteries Revealed

The mysteries of the world are coming to a head.

Many unbelievable things will soon be made known.

Proof that a ‘bigfoot’ type being isn’t dead.

The Loch Ness Monster will finally be shown.

 

Planet ‘X’ will be shown to exist.

Ancient aliens will be proven beyond doubt.

The ‘hollow earth’ story will have a twist.

If Santa was real, we all could shout.

 

Alien abduction will be found to be true.

Cattle mutilations will be explained.

Crop circles will have meaning for you.

The Easter Island mystery will not be lame.

 

Moth man will finally land.

Fairies will be found to be alive.

Unicorns will march in a marching band.

Killer bees will mutate in their hives.

 

Time travel will no longer be a myth.

Parallel worlds will become common place.

The Holy Ark will be shown to exist.

Noah’s Ark will  prove to be a special case.

 

The Illuminati will make themselves known.

Magic will be shown to be real.

Donald Duck will get a “Qucakland” of his own.

Humpty Dumpty will slip on a potato peel.

 

Jack from ‘The Box’ will punch Ronald McDonald

In an attempt to knock the sesame seeds off his buns.

The farm will be sold & profits given to widow McDonald.

Momma Cass will be shown to have weighed a ton.

 

Rumors will fly about ‘another’ land down under.

Obama’s birth certificate will suddenly appear.

Wile E. Coyote will finally catch the Road Runner.

Each day, in Los Angeles, the sky will be clear.

 

Predators & Aliens from movie fame

will be found to actually exist.

They will be buddies in more than name.

Finally, if you believe any of this

I have a bridge I would like to sell you.

—————————————————R. W. Johnson—–(2015)

 

 

 

 

She Wasn’t My Type

 

      She Wasn’t My Type

Her skin was alabaster & her eyes were blue.

She could win your heart by looking at you.

Her hair was long & blonde, like the sun.

You knew for sure that she would be more fun.

But, she wasn’t my type.

 

Friends asked me “What’s wrong with you?”

“She has really been looking at a few”

“You’re the one she has been looking at the most.”

“Yet, you ignore her like she was a ghost.”

But, she wasn’t my type.

 

She seemed as friendly as can be.

She even moseyed right up to me.

She had a great personality.

She was everything you could want her to be

But, she wasn’t my type.

 

She would laugh and joke and carry on.

She acted like this was where she belonged.

There were people enchanted by her.

She seemed an angel to them, for sure.

But, she wasn’t my type.

 

My best friend said “Tell me now.”

“She is not big, like a cow.”

“She has a body that won’t quit.”

“How can you turn down that trick?”

I said “She’s my sister.”

————————————–R. W. Johnson—–(2015)

 

 

Picking Pine Nuts From The Cone

 

      Picking Pine Nuts From The Cone

Life wasn’t what it seems.

She only came to me in dreams.

I wanted her with me & much more.

She could help me with my chores.

 

Picking pine nuts from the cone.

Picking pine nuts from the cone.

It’s much more than it’s been shown.

Picking pine nuts from the cone.

 

I saw her walking down the street.

She was tall and oh so sweet.

I didn’t even know her name.

Yet, I tried to play the game.

 

Picking pine nuts from the cone.

Picking pine nuts from the cone.

It’s much more than it’s been shown.

Picking pine nuts from the cone.

 

I said ‘Hi, remember me from?”

She looked at me like I was dumb.

I said “I can’t remember your name?”

“Don’t look at me. I’m not the blame”

 

“I think we got off on the wrong foot.”

‘What is it your getting off your gut?”

“I wanted to get to know you.”

“You could help me do what I do.”

 

“Picking pine nuts from the cone.”

“Picking pine nuts from the cone.”

“It’s much more than it’s been shown.”

“Picking pine nuts from the cone.”

 

“You’re a nut. Get away from me.”

“I would never want to see

me picking pine nuts from  the cone.”

“So, go ahead, and run on home.”

 

Picking pine nuts from the cone.

Picking pine nuts from the cone.

It’s much more than it’s been shown.

Picking pine nuts from the cone.

——————————-R. W. Johnson—–(2015)

 

 

 

 

Frogmania

      Frogmania

In the land before time.

There was a frog who was a mime.

Eons passed, and he was still around.

He still did mimes & played a clown.

Finally, here comes modern times.

Where is that frog who mime’s?

I saw him on the WB.

Doing commercials for the network, see.

He wears a top hat & has a cane.

But, his act is much the same.

He jumps and dances around.

He kind of looks like a little clown.

What has this world come to?

Where a frog can entertain you.

But, a lot of animals are stars today.

Not much left for us to say.

Animals have moved up the chain.

While humans have become too vain.

If you are entertained by a talking frog.

How much longer till you’re in a fog.

Unable to think for yourself.

An organic robitoid, with a little wealth.

You’ll probably be a liberal without thought.

Look around and see what you have wrought

Bring back the frog who was a mime.

At least, he was quiet all of the time.—-R. W. Johnson—–(2015)

 

 

 

Geezer

      Geezer

People tend to call me old Geezer now.

Formally known as Stud Muffin. WOW!!

Back in the day, I was ‘The Man!’

I had girls all across this land.

Most guys wanted to be me.

Don Juan had nothing on me, you see.

My black book was a valuable tool.

I kept it locked up. I was no fool.

I would have a girl on each end of town.

And be dating one from the middle ground.

I had a line that wouldn’t quit.

Girls would line up, just to hear it.

Saturday night, I would turn on the charm.

I’d have two girls. One on each arm.

So it was through high school and college.

Guys were envious, without my knowledge.

I never really settled down.

My reputation spread all over town.

I tried marriage once, but separated.

Later, she cut me loose. I was elated.

As I aged, I lost my mojo.

I started slipping. I was a no go.

I was getting old and set in my ways.

I dreamed a lot of my younger days.

Eventually, I became an old Geezer.

My love life was in the freezer.

Till Viagra came along.

Now, I sing a different song.

I ache in the places where I used to play.

But, a fire still burns under all this gray.

Thanks to Viagra, I can now say.

This old Geezer is ready to play.—–Look out. I’m back!!

—————————————————–R. W. Johnson—–(2015)

 

 

The Turtle And Hare Race

      The Turtle And Hare Race

I think you’ve heard the story about the race.

When the hare & turtle were setting the pace.

The turtle wins, or so the story goes.

But, we all know that story blows.

It is time to set the record straight.

Time to tell the world the hare wasn’t late.

The race started and the hare was way ahead.

He decided to take a nap instead.

When he awoke the turtle was still behind.

The hare, then, decided to dine.

He ate a big slew of carrots.

The turtle was late, he could hardly bare it.

The hare ran circles around the turtle.

Then he took off and did a hurtle.

Jumped a log with room to spare.

He landed right in a rabbit snare.

Hours later, here came the turtle.

The hare begged for help. who helped? The turtle.

After setting the hare free.

The turtle said “Have pity on me.”

The hare was thankful to the turtle.

He said “I’ll let you win, since I am fertile.”

“I have plenty to keep me busy.”

“I’ll be spending time with the missy.”

The turtle smiled and off he went.

Hours later, the turtle was close to the end.

Here came the hare, running like the wind.

The turtle won, only by a nose.

The hare was nursing some sore toes.

So, there is how the story really went.

The hare acted upset, but he really wasn’t bent.

The hare was fast, in more ways than one.

The turtle, truly, can’t even run.

Yet, the turtle won, we are told.

We’ll keep his secret till we are old.—R. W. Johnson—–(2015)

 

 

 

Lesson At The Banyon Tree

      The Lesson At The Banyan Tree

“Where will we play today” asked Panda Bear?

The Orangutan shook out his underwear.

“How about in the Banyan Tree?”

“I guess that would be fun for me.”

They set off through the forest.

They met a Monkey that looked like a florist.

He had a big armload of flowers.

He was hiding, like a coward.

“Don’t be afraid” said Panda Bear.

“We’re not going to give you a scare.”

“We’re headed for the Banyan Tree.”

“Would you like to come along and see?”

The Monkey tossed the flowers aside.

“I will come and be your guide.”

So, off they went as happy as could be.

They were in search of the Banyan Tree.

They came upon a babbling brook.

They got closer and took a look.

“How will we get across this raging river?”

Said the Monkey, with a quiver.

“This is just a small babbling brook.”

The Orangutan said, with a stern look.

“Right up there we can jump across.”

“Come here Monkey. I’ll give you a toss.”

On they went, deep into the forest.

It seemed to get darker along their course.

The Monkey was getting a little frightened.

The grip of Panda Bear, on his hand, tightened.

“Hey Monkey!,” “ I thought you knew the way?”

“I did but, things look a lot different today.”

On they went, till they came to a gigantic tree.

It had lots of trunks, you see.

“There it is,” yelled the Monkey with glee.

“I can’t wait to climb that tree.”

As they got near they heard a deep voice.

“What brings you to my tree of choice?”

They all jumped and looked around.

There was no one to be found.

“Look up here in the tree.”

“Now, do you see me?”

It was a huge vulture sitting on a limb.

He looked like the devil was his next of kin.

“We came to play in the Banyan Tree.”

Said Panda Bear, as nice as could be.

“Nobody plays in my tree without a gift.”

The vulture was sounding a little miffed.

“What kind of gift?” asked Orangutan?

“I usually like something dead.”

They all looked at him with dread.

“I was thinking more of love” said Panda Bear.

“Love? What is that? Something for my hair?”

“No, love, like from the ‘Father’ above.”

‘He made all nature and all we love.”

“He even made this Banyan Tree.”

“He even made you and me.”

“I have never heard of this ‘Father’.”

They all told him of the creator God and His love for us.

The vulture was moved. “Join me” he said, with no fuss.

Soon they were all playing in the Banyan Tree.

Sharing brotherly love .There’s a lesson here for you & me.

Share your knowledge of the savior with all you meet.

You may end up with a Banyan Tree treat.

——————————————————-R. W. Johnson—–(2014)