Category: Humor

Poet Goes Off Track

 

      Poet goes off track.

I’ve tried it once & I’ve tried it twice.

The camels have ‘hump day’. Is that nice?

Being hit can leave you black and blue.

I’m not drinking gas. I ain’t no fool.

If I could sing, people would gather around.

Have you ever heard of an ugly clown?

Mickey Mouse was once a rat.

How the heck does he do that?

I have a car that runs like a sewer.

It gurgles and burps. I wish it was newer.

It is cold. My lips are blue.

One flew over the cookoo’s  nest too.

Video games are full of violence and hate.

At least they aren’t playing Crazy Eights.

The power went off, then came back on.

I had a poem done, but now it’s gone.

I’ve gone off track. I am now on tilt.

I sure hope my flowers don’t wilt.

Everything is spinning around inside.

I couldn’t produce a poem if I tried.

ahhh,—- love and affection.

Do you see a human connection?

I am leaving it up to you.

I think I’m coming down with the flu.

Forget this poem writing, it’s late.

This doesn’t look good for my fate.———–R. W. Johnson—–(2014)

 

 

Halloween Haunting

 

      Halloween Haunting

Day after day

I passed by the Vineyard Country Inn.

I cannot say

what  it was that made me stop in.

This Inn was old.

It had been deserted for years.

Today, I felt bold.

Probably courage helped by a few beers.

As I drew near

the Inn itself seemed to coax me on.

With a hint of fear

I felt like turning & ‘color me gone’.

But, I went on.

 

I stepped on the porch and heard a squeal.

I stopped still.

I was ready to spin on my heel.

I had no will.

Then, I saw the step made the squeal.

I tried the door.

With a shudder it opened with a squeal.

There, on the floor.

Was odd looking tracks as if made by a wheel.

A mystery to see.

Like made by a unicycle rode by a clown.

What could it be?

There was no sign of anyone around.

 

Should I go in?

Should I leave this place, never to return?

Curiosity won again.

My desire to solve this mystery burned.

I go inside.

The single wheel track goes to the left.

Stepping with pride,

I follow the trail that might lead to death.

Near the wall

I find a deep dish pizza pan upside down.

But, that’s not all.

The pan said: PIZZA HUT  We deliver all over town.

—————————————————–R. W. Johnson—– (2010)

 

Some Halloween Fun

      Some Halloween Fun

Eney meany miny mo.

You keep saying to take it slow.

It’s been over two years now.

If that’s not slow then tell me how.

 

Inka dinka dinka doo.

You know how much I love you.

Do you love me just as much?

Is this relationship built on trust?

 

Abra kadabra. Holy hey.

I called you up the other day.

You said you were down with the flu.

Friends of mine said they saw you.

 

Eye of newt. Leg of spider.

I’m not wanting to start a fight here.

Just tell where this all is going.

Do I stay or should I be rolling?

 

Ghosts & goblins & scary things.

It’s the scariest relationship I’ve ever seen.

Just like “Spooky” in the song.

What the hell is going on?

 

“Trick or treat”

Yelled everyone as I came down the street.

“We were having some Halloween fun.”

“Your girl said you’re the only one”

 

Black cats and witch’s brew.

Now I feel just like a fool.

I put it behind me as we made love.

In the woods with a full moon above.——–R. W. Johnson—–(2011)

 

A Halloween Boo Boo

 

      A Halloween Boo Boo

It’s that time of year again.

Time for pumpkins, ghosts, and candy tins.

Time to mix up a special brew.

A big caldron of bubbling goo.

A ‘real’ witch will mix it up.

Special ingredients to fill your gut.

You must be careful cause you never know

just which way this stuff will go.

Look out!!, some just splashed out now.

It is growing to the size of a cow.

It’s all slimy and really stinks.

Smells like something flushed down the sink.

It is moving like a great big blob.

Coming toward us like mudslide sod.

Run!! Get away from here quick!!

Or you will be sucked up like that stick.

It just ran over a little mouse.

The mouse is gone. The little louse.

The more living things it eats the more red it gets.

It wants organic beings. It won’t rest.

We have to stop it. There must be a way.

Freeze it like in “The Blob”, in its day.

So, like the movie, we sprayed it with co2.

Froze it solid. We ain’t no fools.

We had the Air Force fly it to the frozen arctic

They left it there in a heartbeat.

We hope we never see it again.

Happy Halloween. It’s not the end.———–R. W. Johnson—–(2014)

 

 

 

 

Dog Does Good

      Dog Does Good

We were going for a short walk.

We looked up when we heard some talk.

A gang of kids were in the street.

Before we could redirect our feet,

two kids to the side started fighting.

As I watched, two kids were gliding.

They tiptoed by quiet as a mouse.

Then they went into our house.

They were trying to steal our TV.

When our dog came out to see.

He was in the other room.

He growled and jumped the first buffoon.

The other kid was setting down the TV.

While he was saying— “Nice doggie.”

Then he turned and ran real fast.

With the dog nipping at his ass.

He tried to jump the picket fence.

Caught his toe and down he went.

Landed flat upon his face.

Hit so hard he shook the place.

He ran, dripping blood from his mouth.

We went back into the house.

We looked for the other thief.

But, he was pretty fast on his feet.

Out the back door he had run.

The entire day was not much fun.

This neighborhood had gotten bad.

We decided to move, and I was glad.

We moved to a gated community.

They had neighborhood watch, you see.

So we felt much safer and happy there.

Better than we had felt anywhere.

Our big black lab was happy too.

He was happy to be away from that zoo.

No more kids yelling an being brats.

Always whenever he took his naps.

The moral of the story in the end

is that our dog is our best friend.————-R.W. Johnson—–  (2011)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Angelic Visions

      Angelic Visions

Going down to the town.

Going just to look around.

A lot that’s old. Nothing new.

That’s till I got a look at you.

My heart pounded real fast.

My foot slipped off the gas.

I almost ran off the road.

My brain was twitching like a toad.

I pulled over to catch my breath.

You were the one. My mind was set.

I began to make great plans.

I would make you mine, if I can.

How to start, I wasn’t sure.

All I knew is you were the cure

for a heart doing cartwheels.

Only a lover knows how it feels.

I looked up and you were gone.

Where did you go? I can’t go on.

You must be close. I’ll look around.

Try as I might, you couldn’t be found.

Were you an angel that I saw?

Or my imagination having a ball?

I doubted then that you were real.

I had to stay on an even keel.

I had a drink & headed for home.

Guess I will remain all alone.——————-R. W. Johnson—–(2012)

Transformation

      Transformation

Here is the story of a foul little piglet boy.

When he acted dumb he thought it was coy.

He made noises and burped and farted.

He jumped around and acted retarded.

Other kids didn’t want him around.

Because he was always acting the clown.

This made him worse so he acted about 3.

Oh, what a great baby, was he.

He often got beat up for such behavior.

But, his behavior did not waver.

Till one day he met a girl.

Not just anyone, but one with a curl.

He fell hard and his behavior changed.

From his foul behavior, he refrained.

He acted like a young gentleman.

All stopped thinking he was mental then.

Seems he was decent and so refined,

when he was around others didn’t mind.

The girl with the curls took notice too.

Instead of acting like he belonged in a zoo,

he acted courteous and polite.

Being kind to her was his delight.

So ends the story of the piglet boy.

Who changed his ways and became a joy.—-R. W. Johnson—-(2012)

 

Ribs

 

      Ribs

My sweet wife sent me downtown for some ribs.

She said to go ahead and she’d watch the kids.

When I arrived there were cars everywhere.

There was absolutely not a  space to spare.

 

I began to wonder what the hell was going on.

I almost had to park up on someone’s lawn.

I finally found a spot some distance away.

Then started hoofing it all the way.

 

It was the annual Blues, Brews, and Barbeque.

There was people everywhere drinking their brew.

Lines were long and not moving fast.

I found my favorite rib booth at last.

 

After considerable time, I placed my order.

The lady asked me if I had a quarter?

It was 22 dollars to go, without the bib.

That was for a full rack of St. Lewis ribs.

 

I left with the ribs but, I didn’t get far.

I bumped into people which made me jar.

I came close to dropping the ribs.

One guy asked me if they were his.

 

Eventually I made it back to my car.

Fortunately I didn’t have to drive too far.

I arrived home safely with the ribs.

I gave them to the wife and kids.

 

Then it hit me like a thunderbolt.

The thought made me feel like a dope.

I got ribs for all, you see.

But, I didn’t get any ribs for me————R. W. Johnson———(2011)

 

Thoughts On A Bad Day

 

      Thoughts On A Bad Day

I’m wearing my emotions on my sleeve.

Gee, I hope that I don’t sneeze.

Life goes on, often, without hope.

A tsunami will probably sink the boat.

The boat that all humans are in.

Their just reward for a life of sin.

I only live from day to day.

I sound depressed I heard you say.

The world has taken a turn for the worst.

But, I have the answer. It’s not a curse.

Genocide by zero reproduction——

For 50 years with no disruption.

All will then be quiet on the western front.

The world will no longer be in a funk.

Then we can start over again.

Test tube babies are not a sin?

Form the world after our own image.

Tower of Babel will be our linage.

Will we then be destroyed from God above?

Maybe—- all we really need is love.———-R. W. Johnson—–(2011)

 

“Pookey”

      “Pookey”

Oh, Pookey—you’re the most.

Your hard to find.

Just like a ghost.

You come and go.

just like the wind.

I never know

when you’ll be in.

Can you take me

wherever you go.

So that I’ll always be

part of your show.

From the highest mountains

to the deepest seas.

To life’s bubbling fountains.

Just you and me.

We’ll slide down a rainbow.

We’ll dance in fairy dust.

We’ll have a sparkling  glow

like the sun at dawn or dusk.

We’ll get lost in our magical world.

Riding dragons and having thrills.

Morning will find me curled up

In my bed . But,— where will you be??——-R. W. Johnson—–(2011)