Category: Humor

Spring Is A ‘Happening’

 

Spring Is A ‘Happening’

It’s time for spring

and all turns green.

Can you hear the birdies scream?

Winds will blow.

Pay the toll.

Now, it’s time for rock & roll.

Just a fleck.

What the heck?

Slippery, almost broke my neck.

Still some ice,

like frozen mice.

Watch your step or fall down twice.

See the moon

soak up gloom.

Watch out for the Moonie loon.

All will share.

It’s everywhere.

I feel it coming in the air.

Lying with your lass.

Splendor in the grass.

Love is something that can last.

There’s still crime.

Do the time.

Get out when it’s summertime.

Make a toast.

Too the host.

Wonder which she loves the most.

It’s crying time.

She’s not mine.

Wasted love is such a crime.

What to do

Without you.

I feel like Alley Oop from Moo.

Beat my chest.

Scream protests.

It’s male pride and nothing less.

I’m moving on.

She’s now gone.

Try to figure out what went wrong.———–R. W. Johnson—-(2011)

 

Hot Man, Cold Women

 

Hot Man, Cold Women

One thing I can’t understand.

Why your hot cause you’re a man?

Five women in a room. All cold.

You, however, are hot, we are told.

Could it be due to female hormones?

“Not that old story again”, he groans.

“There is no reason to be cold” he gloats.

“It’s hot enough to croak a goat.”

All the women then glare at him.

One of them asks if he can swim.

Then, the women start closing in.

He says “calm down now” with a grin.

Quickly he springs for the door.

He wasn’t going back there anymore.

The women then turned up the heat.

Then, all was well, from head to feet.

———————————————-R. W. Johnson—–(2011)

The World Of The Duck / A Perfect World

 

The World Of The Duck

Have you ever felt like

you ran out of luck?

Enter now the

world of the duck.

 

Everything you do

Is not working for you.

You feel knocked around

like a hockey puck.

Enter now, the

world of the duck.

 

You pray to God;

Lord, give me a job.

Your busted, your broke.

You don’t have a buck.

Enter now,

the world of the duck.

 

Just take to the skies.

Get out of the rut.

Similar to the

world of the duck.

 

Be foot loose and fancy free.

Swim all around, splashing with glee.

Keep your feet

away from the muck.

Enter now, the

world of the duck.——————-R. W. Johnson——(1994)

 

In A Perfect World

Alcohol would not be addictive.

Chasing women would not be wicked.

Popping drugs would cause no ills.

What is left to produce the thrills?

Things would soon become a drag.

Using alcohol and drugs would lag.

No, that’s not a perfect place.

Not for this here human race.

What we need is a higher power.

To see the beauty in a flower.

To love nature on a sunny day.

To learn to love and how to play.

We need God to show us how.

Then a perfect world can be ours now.——R. W. Johnson—–(2005)

 

Three Little Pigs!!

      Three Little Pigs!!

Have you heard the story of 3 little pigs?

One built his house out of twigs.

Another one simply used straw.

The 3rd pig was smartest of all.

He built his house out of bricks.

He built it way out in the sticks.

When the wolf finally got to his house

he was so winded he couldn’t shout.

He had blown over the other 2 pigs houses.

They both ran like little scared mouses.

I mean mice but, they ran like hell.

They outran the wolf as well.

They ran to their brothers’ house.

They started pleading like a mouse.

Let us in. The wolf is coming.

He let them in & said “ I’m not running.”

The wolf tried to blow down this house too.

He huffed and puffed till he was blue.

But, he could not blow the house down.

He said “I’ve had it” and he left town.

The wolf was never heard from again.

The pigs yelled “Hooray for them!!.”

The moral of this story is very simple.

I will give you a little hint though.

Pigs that can talk and build houses

are probably worth more than pork!!———R. W. Johnson—-(2012)

Bad Night

      Bad Night

We were out just nosing around.

We thought we might have seen a sound.

Two dimensional beings in a fight.

Flattened starlight lit up the night.

Then sun drops fell all around.

Our clothes were dripping with the sound.

We oozed along back to our hole.

We were flying as fast as we could go.

Then we heard TV for awhile.

All the racket made us smile.

It was early so time to stand.

And dream about another land.

I dreamed of a place really bizarre.

To get around I used a car.

People jogged for exercise.

Let me say; I was really surprised.

It was almost like a scary daymare

But, by then, I didn’t care.

 

Then I awoke, my body all sweaty.

Almost work time. Got to get ready.

So I dragged myself up and said.

“I will never eat pizza again right before bed.”

——————————————————R. W. Johnson—–(2013)

.

 

Searching For Love

      Searching For Love

I’ve been searching high and low for love.

A friend said “Pull it from a hat, not a glove.”

So, off to Straw Hat Pizza I went.

Told them I was there cause I was sent.

I wanted love served in a hat.

“Are you nuts?” the guy said back.

“My friend said get love out of a hat.”

He said “Straw Hat is not where it is at.”

He said “Go down the road till you see the red light.”

I walked into the firehouse. I hoped he was right.

“I’m here for love”, I said with a grin.

The man looked like his temper was thin.

“Get out of here you little cock roach.”

I was appalled by his reproach.

I told him I was directed there.

He said “Someone was pulling your hair.”

He said “You need a house of ill repute.”

He sent me flying down the road with his boot.

I thought about what he had said.

Then a new thought came into my head.

I rushed across town as fast as I could go.

I knew then what he said was so.

I went to the state legislature & I walked in.

I thought ‘This is surly a house of sin.’

They asked me what I was doing there?

I said  “I have come  to get my share.”

They said “Do you have any idea where you are?”

I said “Not for sure, but I have come pretty far.”

I said “I am on a quest for love.”

They escorted me out with a shove.

I guess it’s right what they say.

Congress will ‘screw’ you—with NO love.  It’s their way.

——————————————————R. W. Johnson—–(2013)

 

 

Ode To The Golden Dolphin

 

Ode To The Golden Dolphin

Late at night when most souls sleep

there is a meeting of the minds.

What they share is for them to keep.

They keep close track of their time.

 

But, The Dolphin never gave man

Insight to what he has in mind.

His thoughts are far above man.

His deeds are always kind.

 

The Dirty Old Men do their job.

They pull certain men together.

Some may find their job odd.

They are laymen of a feather.

 

So, please believe in The Brotherhood.

As it moves slowly through time.

Only the elite of men who stood

can reside there all the time.

 

Ask the Imperial Wizard.

He will guide you into light.

His gift is brilliance, a blizzard

of intellectual thoughts of right.

 

Dolphinia is a land of dolphins.

A place of eternal light.

The home of The Golden Dolphin.

The one who makes all things right.

 

Come with me to a wonderful  land.

A land of peace and dolphins.

A land with beaches of sand.

A place with no liberal men.

 

Leave behind all the wars, hate,

baby killers, and liberal waste.

Live a life of luxury and make

peace with your soul with haste.—————R. W. Johnson—-(2012)

Dream Lovers

      Dream Lovers

I saw the thing coming out of the sky.

It had two sets of wings & 3 big eyes.

It was the size of a Mini Cooper.

I didn’t have that big of a scooper.

 

It flew in a circle then it came down.

It’s cheeks were rosy. It looked like a clown.

“Take me to your girlfriend” it squeaked out.

In a voice so low I told it to shout.

 

“What do you want with her?” I yelled.

“She looks like the type that should be held.”

“Not by you, you horror movie reject.”

“Hey, I came a long way. Show some respect.”

 

“What are you?”, I curiously asked.

“A Cupid under a curse.” it answered at last.

“Where do you come from?” I asked again.

“A place where lovers always win.”

 

I yelled out “Oh no you don’t.”

“Not with my girl you won’t.”

“She’s not breaking that curse for you..”

“If she does then we are threw.”

 

“Let’s ask her” he said with a smile.

“Looks like I’m gonna be here awhile.”

“She’ll be scared of a freak like you.’

“Not after what I’m gonna do.”

 

“What exactly do you have in mind?”

“Treat her right then she will be mine.”

“I’m gonna treat her like a lady.”

“She’ll fall for me & I don’t mean maybe.”

 

I lunged for him and I fell out of bed.

I was dizzy for a while. I landed on my head.

Then I realized it was all a dream.

I got dressed and drove like a fiend.

 

Straight to my girlfriends place.

I rushed to her door like it was a race.

I hugged her like I never have before.

I said she was all I wanted and nothing more.

 

She was a lady & I would treat her like one.

Always, when serious or having fun.

She said ”What’s come over you?”

“I realize that I love you. Isn’t that cool?”

—————————————————-R. W. Johnson—–(2013)

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Computer Age

      The Computer Age

You’ve heard it said many times before.

You’ve heard me scream it as you went out the door.

I’m a pre computer person in a post computer age.

I’ve read the book & don’t understand a single page.

When I was young we used a slide rule.

Hand calculators ‘not allowed’ was the rule.

Then, as a young adult, computers came along.

I ignored them and kept singing my song.

My son said. “Get a computer. What could go wrong?”

“Pop, you have to stop singing that song.”

After some time I gave into the  pressure.

I got a computer and let it sit here.

My son came and hooked it up.

Learning the basics was really tough.

A mouse was what I set traps for.

A ‘floppy disk’ was a real horror!!

Words now seemed to mean a different thing.

learn a new language just to play with the thing.

To turn it off I have to press start.

If I pressed the delete button it could break my heart.

Very slowly, I learned most of the basic things.

It often caused nightmares in my dreams.

Cut and paste I could never get.

Kindergarten stuff, I couldn’t do on a bet.

Then came Outlook 6, 7, and 8.

I just didn’t have what it takes.

I was lost in a world of words and phrases.

The hell with this!! It can go to blazes!!

Then I was told to get a Galaxy S II phone.

I can get on the internet while gone or at home.

I can take pictures & put them on line.

Facebook would take up most of my time.

I can tweet and twitter galore.

I can text people. What is a phone for??

When I was young we used it to talk to each other.

That is all that was needed . So said my mother.

This electronic crap is driving me insane.

Pay bills on the computer. It seems so lame.

No wonder the mail service is dwindling away.

No time for mail while on the computer all day.

Get outdoors folks. Learn to have some outdoor fun.

Kids can’t ride a bike but, have calluses on their thumbs.

It’s a sign of the times you say to me.

I say get outside.  Learn to be free.

I’m a pre computer person in a post computer age.

I have to use a computer some, despite the rage.

But, the pre computer life was way better for me.

At least, back then I actually felt free.

——————————————————R. W. Johnson—–(2013)

 

 

 

 

Poor Body Image Blues

 

Poor Body mage Blues

I’m a pot bellied native.

And I wear it with pride.

Some call me a sadist.

But, you know they lied.

 

I’ve tried about every diet

to try and lose the weight.

I need someone to buy it.

Maybe that’s all it’d take.

 

I have exercised to no end.

Just to lose a few pounds.

I have got to be able to bend.

to just a few more rounds.

 

I’ve cut out all the snacks

I taken the laxatives too.

Then people say it smacks

of anorexic ways to you.

 

Except, I’m a pot bellied native.

I am  not a skinny skeleton.

I feel like I’m a weighted

down relic, —-son.

 

I could go on a hunger strike.

I would only drink water.

But, would I win the fight

of losing the weight like I otter?

 

I guess I need a new body image.

Or, others need one of me.

I MUST be slim like my linage

to be accepted, you see.—————–R. W. Johnson—–(2013)